My goodness!!
Naku navvostondi.
Gone through my mail again.
I find myself silly!!
A stupid brainless girl trying a lot to keep in pace with her man!
A silly idiot agreeing to everything he says…with absolutely no thought regarding…and channelizes all her thoughts and actions onto executing it—-A FLAWLESS OBEYER AND A LOYAL EXECUTER, HUH!!
And I was cursing myself for not being able to do what he says!
I was feeling bad for my inability to do what he says!
I hated my character for not permitting me to do what he says!
His wish was an ORDER, or perhaps all those were commands indeed, which I were ready to execute.
“He wanted me to be open to you, but I couldn’t be”!!
“Had I been frank, nothing like this would have happened” My goodness!!
“Annitiki karanam nuvvu kadu, nenu…avunu swayana nene…Nenu neeto frank ga undunte idanta jarigedi kadu…Asalu nenu evaridaggara ala undalenu. NEE daggara ela undagalanu cheppu?”
Aha!! What an intention!
What an explanation!
“I cant be frank with anybody…kakapote teda okkate…’naa’ anukune valla daggara, I don’t feel the need to be frank. In fact I don’t mind giving all my precious possessions for their sake…and migitavalla daggara I don’t care to be frank.”
“Its all my fault dear. You haven,t done anything”
My god!!
I am still alive!
Alive after reading all this!!
Chadavagane naa kadupu nindipoindi.
Tanu courtesy anna oka padam vadindani nenu inta badha paddane, tana gurinchi naa opinion idani telisi tanu ela tattukogaligindo…Inta jarigaka kuda nato ela matladagaligindo!
Naku naa meeda doubt vastondi ippudu.
I must question myself…’Did you really feel that all the problems would be solved If she goes away from your life??’
I did feel, I must say.
Chalu. Ee mata chalu. Tana badha ku, kopaniki ,tana descision ku intakanna justifying reason akkaraledu.
Tanato aa taruvata matladinadi kuda it was nothing about what I have done. I never got a thought about it. I never cared to think about it. I never tried to think about what I have done—NO—I gave a thought…not once, but hundreds of times, Still I didn’t understand anything. How would I understand? I had stopped judging my deeds. I only knew forcing my conscience to keep quiet and simply allow me to do what I was expected to do. My nature was a hurdle to execution, so I hated it. If I could go to that extent of hating myself for not doing something which I would never want to do, then what’s there to be surprised to find myself blaming her to be problem!!
I wonder!
I pity myself!!
I want to talk to her…
I dont understand.
I am not able to forgive myself.
I just cant.
As days pass by, I find myself more and more squeezed by all that happened.
I am not able to believe…
Its shocking…that I was so mean…
I am desperate to talk to her.
I am desperate to apologise.
I am desperate to tell her all that I discovered these days.
I am desperate to speak all about how correct she was and how wrong I found myself to be.
I am desperate to share all my cheer and sorrows.
I wonder why I never felt like doing so earlier.
I wonder why I didn’t try to speak my heart to anyone.
I wonder why I stopped talking all about my joys, sorrows, dreams, desires, expectations, struggles, hurdles and everything that concerns me—to any one…Even to myself.
Had I done it, I dont think I would have witnessed this situation.
But what can I do now?
ITS ALL OVER.
SHE’S GONE, FOR EVER.
She was sweet.
She was so sweet.
She was sweet enough to try to correct me when I was wrong.
She was sweet enough to care for me though I paid a deaf ear to her.
She was sweet enough to tolerate my man, I know she has done it only and solely for my sake.
I am desperate.
Yes.
Aparna,
I am desperate.
I am desperate to talk to you.
To me, Aparna had always been special.
When she is pained, tears would flow from my eyes.
When she is in desperate need, my feet rush.
I considered every small detail about her as if it were mine.
Or perhaps a lot many times more care than I would probably show to myself.
My respect towards her is limitless and my belief in her boundless…
But I have never ever even gave myself the thought of sharing with her all my griefs and sorrows.
I never considered that I can talk to someone when I feel dull and depressed.
I never realised that talking to someone of my sorrows would provide solace to my heart and relief from the burden of emotional havoc.
My diary was my companion. My blog was my companion.
But this time, NONE!!
Not books.
Not diary.
Not even myself.
I HAD NO TIME FOR MYSELF!!!
And when you dont attempt to vent out your emotions, they get trapped inside. They build up, only to explode one day and ruin your existence.
I dont know if I am speaking sense.
I dont know if I can ever speak sense.
I dont know if I had ever spoken sense.
Sorry dear…
I couldnt realise your intention.
In fact, I didnt even think of it.
I only knew that talking to ‘U’ was not permitted.
I accepted it–er–tried to accept it as an unalterable fact.
I didnt judge my action. I didnt really bother about consequences. I just (en)acted as a rule, as a requirement, as an essentiality…
Sorry dear…I was not even aware that I was doing so.
I didnt even try to think what I was doing or what I ought to do.
You were sweet. You were sweet enough to talk to me, on the last day.
After all the nonsense…After all the ingratitude…After my mail and unforgettable shock it gave to you… You were still kind enough to respond.
But I was stupid.
Even then, I didnot think.
I did not dare to think.
Perhaps, I didnot care to think.
I succumbed to vague, meaningless things which shielded me from everything that was going on. They took me into the darkness of fears and frustations.
I hated everything.
I hated my own existence.
Sorry dear, I didnt make any attempt to get you right.
I didnt make any valid attempt to set myself right.
I kept deteriorating.
I drooped, then crawled, now stay as a motionless creature, no better than a corpse, flat on the ground!!
Should I pity myself???
Ha! Ha!
I wonder why I feel like doing so now?
How am I to face her…
A lot of feelings…
I want to convey them all..
Everything-
Of shame
Of gratitude
Of pain
Of regret
Of apology
I dont dare to…
Even if I do, I dont know how to say…
I have lost her for ever..What else on earth can be a better and bitter than this?
Its more than I can bear..
Its an apt punishment my lord has decided for me…for all my deeds.
But I want to tell her…
How can I?
Aparna…
How am I to tell you?
I am sorry dear…
I am so unlucky to have lost you…
Its so mean on my part to have pained someone soooooooooooooooooooooo sweet like you…
Its a pity that I couldn’t sense–atleast understand what you speak–abt what you were trying to say…
I am sorry dear..
Sorry…
Here I go………!!
I dont like this
I am not serious
If I dont be serious and take charge of my life, I may find myself nowhere
I cant stand it
I HATE IT
Seems I am laying more emphasis on useless crap rather than on my work…
Its time I set out.. .. ..
12:25
sorry
Ha!
Every time I read her mail…and ofcourse mine, I find a thousand new things…
I find thousands of truths which I couldnt have even imagined when it happened….
I lmissed her.
She was the only one whom I could have approached. But I didn’t. I dont know why.
I dont even know why I crave for someone’s shoulders to lean on and weep..
Dont know why I long for a caring heart that would probably listen to my agony…
Dont know why I feel sorry for having none on my side who could probably understand me…
I deserve this, dont I?
I have choosen to ‘discard’ her from my life…
And I have to take the consequences, no?
I MUST realize what I missed in my life…
I do feel bad for missing her…But not sooo much like what I feel for not understandind her…not realizing what she really meant..
Perhaps, she is right in calling it ‘courtesy’.
The fact is that I was blank—occassionally receptive to some crap of his and some toughts from her… … …
I am sorry dear.
I know this sorry cant revert all the tears that have flown onto her cheeks…
I dont even expect to be forgiven..even in the eyes of God…
I know I deserve this.
I am sorry dear.
I am sorry my sweet friend.
Sorryyyyy
Some foolish stuff!!!
A word once uttered cannot be taken back…
The damage it does to you might cost you your life…
Yes.
I lost my friend.
I gave her pain… In her words, “PURE DEEP HEART THROBBING PAIN, PAIN THAT SAYS NOT TO FORGIVE HERSELF FOR ANY REASON IN THE WORLD, PAIN THAT LAUGHS AT HER SAYING EVEN DEATH CANNOT RELIEVE HER FROM IT”
My goodness!
I am still alive!!
I pity myself.
Yes I pity my stupid condition.
I have got nothing with me now…My career, my personal life, social identity—in fact, every sphere of it is EMPTY.
NO SOLACE. NO PEACE. NOTHING REMAINS
Except occassional specks of fake joy..insustaining zeal and false sense of well being… … …
I pity myself.
For coming back to my mail…reading my words again and again…trying to make out something of it….trying to understand what my words meant and what they were supposed to mean… Then again I feel I have started to be defensive and rationalizing. I quit. I log out.
I pity myself for my vain attempts.
I pity my stupid worthless lifeless existence.
I pity myself for the countless hours I spent in ruminating my past…cursing myself for all the ingratitude I have shown to her…
I pity myself… … …
I cant list any thing more…I just cant… .. … … .. …
I dont know why I didnt end my life yet.
Oh no!
I hate it.
I hate the thought of ending my life to ‘escape’ from the so called miseries…
The world around me has always laughed at me.
I never cared, I laughed at its foolishness, I laughed at its innocence. I knew it would realize my worth, one day.
But now I myself do not witness any worth in me.
I dont know what to call it..something in me that would probably deny defeat…and challenge to defeat the defeat—-I dont possess it now…I dont feel like taking the challenge of proving myself worthy..
I dont dare to attempt to channelize my emotion. In fact I fear emotion now. I dont know how I lost control over them. I fear them now. They have taken away my friend from me. I dont still understand what they made me write to her….But she is gone…
I fear that they might leave no option for me except death. I fear that they might make me soooo insensible that I would prefer killing myself….
I fear emotion.
Now I dont feel anything. No fear of future. No despair, No hurry, No excitement no enthusiasm…Nothing Not even pain and regret…Except bouts of anger, hatred and intolerable frustation…
This is already the bottom….the meanest plane..
What else does remain??
I stopped trying to refine my words.
I stopped trying to correct my self.
I have put a halt to the act to refreshing my self
I dont know….
I am not able to accept the fact that I am incapable, unworthy, senseless. I am turning erratic at the very thought of it. I am trying to escape it by trying hundreds of options—I scream, I hurt myself, I weep–bitterly–till all the tears drain out–I shout,till my jaws ache…till the throbbing in my temples turns out to be unbearable… …
I have become an escapist.
I am happy that no one reads this.
I am happy that I dont need to explain myself to anyone, I dont need to give explanations about any line that I have written here…
This is all my space… Those who know me dont read it. Those who read it dont know me. I am happy that I dont have the responsibility to keep up to peoples expectations on this page.
I am glad that No one ever questions me for dumping all the nonsense here.
I rejoice the boundless freedom that I have her..to pen down whatever I feel like….with out he fear of being wrong. Without the fear of losing people.
I never even dreamt that I was soooo undeserving…never dreamt that I would tend to hide myself for the meanest possible reason on earth!!
Now I have got a million reasons to kill myself…
But still I dont want to.
I dont feel it wise to leave myself to my fate.I had been supporting myself all these years not just for the silly reason of being worthy. I cant leave myself in this situation.
I know no one can ever come to my rescue.
I have to save myself.
I have to correct myself.
I have to improve myself.
I have to prove myself.
I cant leave myself alone in this condition.
i know I am self sufficient. I have just forgot that I ought to be self reliant.
I will take care of myself.
i will improve.
This is a promise to myself.
In fact I had made this promise a long time ago…This is just an episode of emotional instability….
Huh!
I wonder whatelse is left for me to witness!!!
I want to tell her
I have a question.
Why do I come back to my blog, again and again, to write about her?
Why do I have a million answers to all questions about myself?
How am I to choose the right one among those?
Why am I so wierd?
Why is it tht I am not yet flat, motionless corpse?
Orelse, why dont I find myself burnt into ashes?
Hey, I dont want to die.
I DONT WANT TO DIE.
And for me this stupid worthless life is no better than death!
Ah yes! She knows it. Thats why she warned me.
Thats what she reminded me of.
Its because of her that I dared to dream of…After all looooooong months of gloomy passive dwelling….
I am fine now…
Atleast not miserable, as I used to be.
I want to tell this to her. I am desperate to thank her.
I want to say that I would be grateful to her…till my last breath
I want to say a heartfelt sorry–for my misbehaviour …
I want to say, Aparna…I was wrong..
I was wrong in not trying to judge my decision an year ago. It was a blunt approval, I must agree. Its a fact that I tried to conceal from myself..by giving myself meaningless reasons.
I was wrong in ignoring my brain’s disapproval of fact that it was a ‘blunt decision’.
I was wrong in convincing myself that I have got no regrets, though I was not sure if I really got any..
I was wrong in not being clear to myself about the reasons for my everydeed- I didnt know why I was with him(except a strong commitment to my ‘yes’)
I didnt know why I was feeling miserable always. I didnt know what I really wanted from him. I didnt know what I really expectd from myself. I didnt know what I accepted from what you said, and what I rejected. Its obvious that I didnt know how I’d have to react to what you say. I didnt know what I was doing….
I remember, quite well…that all my responses were, instinctive…I dont know if I am correct to use this word…I mean my responses were instantaneous reaction to spells of emotions. I dont know how to explain. I mean I sit down to read or do something else, within seconds I get lost in my tent, when lots of emotions surround me, lots of feelings encompass me…I feel bad, I feel dull, I feel stupid, I feel like taking an immediate decision to put an end to everything.
All mails were such respnses.
I dont know if am am still wrong in thinking this to be true.
I am sorry dear, for I pained you with my stupidity. I intend no harm to you…
Infact I am grateful for its you, b’coz of whom,i’ve got back all my worthy possessions…all the virtues that constitute myself. Its because of you that I consider myself alive today…Its because of you that I still hae the desire to live. I ts because of you that I still have got the desire to dream and courage to pursue my dreams…
I am stll a mediocre…But I am sure I will rise..B’zoz now I find the zeal to rise…I find belief in self.
I will come badk to you dear…with a mail…when I can show this world what I am capable of. It may be too late…I may even lose your contact….
But that day does exist. Atleast then, I believe, I would be making justice to your concern for me.that day…would prove your attempts to be fruitful.
That day I will come back to you…with a sorry-
though I dont expect to be forgiven after long long hours of disgust and pain…”
I am glad that she doesnt have my url…
I am glad that I am not sending any mails to her..
I am glad that I dont burden her brain with all trash….of feelings and beliefs which I myself dont understand…or probably dont approve.
Funny….Huh!!
Thats me…………………………….
Personified mystery. . .. . .. .. .. . . .. .. . ……………………………….. ……………… ………………… ……………. ;l…………….
She cries……
Oh Yes!
The whole world runs by actions…not by feelings, right? And fools like me keep lingering to feelings. They give utmost importance to feelings. They forget truth.They ignore falsehood. They overlook everything…Every thing and everything.
They cling on to feelings. Only thing that concerns them is feeling. Only means by which they react to things is by feeling-They empathise…
They get lost SO much in their world of ‘feelings’ that they lose all their abilities of rational thinking and analysis!!!
Ha! Ha!
It seems I am out here to rationalize my mistake.
No
NO.
I am not here to rationalize. I’m here to spit out all my agony. I am here to vent out all frustation.
Yes.
I trusted myself. I thought i would never miss feelings. I believed that this is the girl who cares for feelings more than anything else. Before doing anything, I thought I would make sure that I would not be hurt anyone by doing it. And incase I feel my deed would be hurting anyone, I would drop…however important the task may prove to be, I always felt nothing on this earth is more important than someone’s pain.
But I have missed my motto.
I have violated my principle.
I gifted pain to my dearest friend–DEEP THROBBING PAIN–as she expains.
I dont understand what to write…
I have pained her. Its a fact. She had been weeping…….bitterly…
I have done it–deliberately. How mean…huh
If I realy care for her feelings, why did I do it?
I dont know. But its not an excuse, is it?
It was I who did it.
I have dine it with my stupid mail….a million additional things, perhaps, I dont know.
Honestly, I dont feel like writing to any one anymore…
I am not able to decide–I must be so immature that I dont realize what my sentences mean….Or I must be truly senseless as my words say…
I dont know.
Just one solid fact remains—SHE IS PAINED.
I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE OF FEELING…THAT TOO WITH MY BELOVED FRIEND….
Worth remembering, is it not!!!
Ha! Ha!
Thank god, I havent turned mad yet…Or have I??
Who knows??!!!
Why do I appear ugly and worthless to myself? And to my world?
My friend..
I am proud to say she was my friend…
I thought I have lost the previlege of calling her a friend…
By mailing a ‘good bye’…
And the reason behind my goodbye…
But when the reply came, I realized that I had lost my place in her heart….forever.
Dont know why this happened…I am not able to understand..’m not able to make head and tail out of it.
Perhaps I am not worthy.
Perhaps I dont deserve consideration…I deserve to be hated for being myself perhaps..
Perhaps my deeds are really mean and ugly…making me undeserving–of all respect.
I dont know. I really dont know.
Or perhaps I know—
I perhaps know…That it is mean to accuse her of ‘making use’ of me.
I perhaps know…That it is ugly to say call her an insensible exploiter in return to her tears for me—all out of care and genuine concern.
I dont know if I had really done all this..
I dont really know if I really meant to do all this…
I dont know if this was a result of misunderstanding…or an incident of revelation of my ‘true’ self which even I am not aware of..
I dont know…
I dont know if I really know..
I dont know how to know about it either…
Its a question mark…Remains so forever..
But I swear..that I will not take any help(material..to the possible extent and emotional ) from anyone—and try to probe inside..explore myself..and find out if I was really mean…
I take an oath that I will not try to have any emotional association with anyone…
I consider myself undeserving of all association with people…Atleast until I get convinced I am not!
