Revelation

My friend..

I am proud to say she was my friend…
I thought I have lost the previlege of calling her a friend…
By mailing a ‘good bye’…
And the reason behind my goodbye…

But when the reply came, I realized that I had lost my place in her heart….forever.

Dont know why this happened…I am not able to understand..’m not able to make head and tail out of it.

Perhaps I am not worthy.
Perhaps I dont deserve consideration…I deserve to be hated for being myself perhaps..
Perhaps my deeds are really mean and ugly…making me undeserving–of all respect.

I dont know. I really dont know.

Or perhaps I know—
I perhaps know…That it is mean to accuse her of ‘making use’ of me.
I perhaps know…That it is ugly to say call her an insensible exploiter in return to her tears for me—all out of care and genuine concern.

I dont know if I had really done all this..
I dont really know if I really meant to do all this…
I dont know if this was a result of misunderstanding…or an incident of revelation of my ‘true’ self which even I am not aware of..

I dont know…
I dont know if I really know..
I dont know how to know about it either…

Its a question mark…Remains so forever..

But I swear..that I will not take any help(material..to the possible extent and emotional ) from anyone—and try to probe inside..explore myself..and find out if I was really mean…

I take an oath that I will not try to have any emotional association with anyone…
I consider myself undeserving of all association with people…Atleast until I get convinced I am not!