Revelation

I have a question.
Why do I come back to my blog, again and again, to write about her?

Why do I have a million answers to all questions about myself?
How am I to choose the right one among those?

Why am I so wierd?
Why is it tht I am not yet flat, motionless corpse?
Orelse, why dont I find myself burnt into ashes?

Hey, I dont want to die.
I DONT WANT TO DIE.

And for me this stupid worthless life is no better than death!

Ah yes! She knows it. Thats why she warned me.
Thats what she reminded me of.

Its because of her that I dared to dream of…After all looooooong months of gloomy passive dwelling….

I am fine now…

Atleast not miserable, as I used to be.

I want to tell this to her. I am desperate to thank her.
I want to say that I would be grateful to her…till my last breath

I want to say a heartfelt sorry–for my misbehaviour …

I want to say, Aparna…I was wrong..
I was wrong in not trying to judge my decision an year ago. It was a blunt approval, I must agree. Its a fact that I tried to conceal from myself..by giving myself meaningless reasons.

I was wrong in ignoring my brain’s disapproval of fact that it was a ‘blunt decision’.

I was wrong in convincing myself that I have got no regrets, though I was not sure if I really got any..

I was wrong in not being clear to myself about the reasons for my everydeed- I didnt know why I was with him(except a strong commitment to my ‘yes’)
I didnt know why I was feeling miserable always. I didnt know what I really wanted from him. I didnt know what I really expectd from myself. I didnt know what I accepted from what you said, and what I rejected. Its obvious that I didnt know how I’d have to react to what you say. I didnt know what I was doing….

I remember, quite well…that all my responses were, instinctive…I dont know if I am correct to use this word…I mean my responses were instantaneous reaction to spells of emotions. I dont know how to explain. I mean I sit down to read or do something else, within seconds I get lost in my tent, when lots of emotions surround me, lots of feelings encompass me…I feel bad, I feel dull, I feel stupid, I feel like taking an immediate decision to put an end to everything.

All mails were such respnses.

I dont know if am am still wrong in thinking this to be true.

I am sorry dear, for I pained you with my stupidity. I intend no harm to you…
Infact I am grateful for its you, b’coz of whom,i’ve got back all my worthy possessions…all the virtues that constitute myself. Its because of you that I consider myself alive today…Its because of you that I still hae the desire to live. I ts because of you that I still have got the desire to dream and courage to pursue my dreams…

I am stll a mediocre…But I am sure I will rise..B’zoz now I find the zeal to rise…I find belief in self.

I will come badk to you dear…with a mail…when I can show this world what I am capable of. It may be too late…I may even lose your contact….

But that day does exist. Atleast then, I believe, I would be making justice to your concern for me.that day…would prove your attempts to be fruitful.

That day I will come back to you…with a sorry-
though I dont expect to be forgiven after long long hours of disgust and pain…”

I am glad that she doesnt have my url…
I am glad that I am not sending any mails to her..
I am glad that I dont burden her brain with all trash….of feelings and beliefs which I myself dont understand…or probably dont approve.

Funny….Huh!!

Thats me…………………………….

Personified mystery. . .. . .. .. .. . . .. .. . ……………………………….. ……………… ………………… ……………. ;l…………….