Revelation

A word once uttered cannot be taken back…

The damage it does to you might cost you your life…

Yes.
I lost my friend.
I gave her pain… In her words, “PURE DEEP HEART THROBBING PAIN, PAIN THAT SAYS NOT TO FORGIVE HERSELF FOR ANY REASON IN THE WORLD, PAIN THAT LAUGHS AT HER SAYING EVEN DEATH CANNOT RELIEVE HER FROM IT”

My goodness!

I am still alive!!

I pity myself.
Yes I pity my stupid condition.

I have got nothing with me now…My career, my personal life, social identity—in fact, every sphere of it is EMPTY.
NO SOLACE. NO PEACE. NOTHING REMAINS
Except occassional specks of fake joy..insustaining zeal and false sense of well being… … …

I pity myself.

For coming back to my mail…reading my words again and again…trying to make out something of it….trying to understand what my words meant and what they were supposed to mean… Then again I feel I have started to be defensive and rationalizing. I quit. I log out.
I pity myself for my vain attempts.
I pity my stupid worthless lifeless existence.

I pity myself for the countless hours I spent in ruminating my past…cursing myself for all the ingratitude I have shown to her…

I pity myself… … …

I cant list any thing more…I just cant… .. … … .. …

I dont know why I didnt end my life yet.

Oh no!

I hate it.
I hate the thought of ending my life to ‘escape’ from the so called miseries…

The world around me has always laughed at me.
I never cared, I laughed at its foolishness, I laughed at its innocence. I knew it would realize my worth, one day.

But now I myself do not witness any worth in me.

I dont know what to call it..something in me that would probably deny defeat…and challenge to defeat the defeat—-I dont possess it now…I dont feel like taking the challenge of proving myself worthy..
I dont dare to attempt to channelize my emotion. In fact I fear emotion now. I dont know how I lost control over them. I fear them now. They have taken away my friend from me. I dont still understand what they made me write to her….But she is gone…

I fear that they might leave no option for me except death. I fear that they might make me soooo insensible that I would prefer killing myself….

I fear emotion.

Now I dont feel anything. No fear of future. No despair, No hurry, No excitement no enthusiasm…Nothing Not even pain and regret…Except bouts of anger, hatred and intolerable frustation…

This is already the bottom….the meanest plane..
What else does remain??

I stopped trying to refine my words.
I stopped trying to correct my self.
I have put a halt to the act to refreshing my self

I dont know….
I am not able to accept the fact that I am incapable, unworthy, senseless. I am turning erratic at the very thought of it. I am trying to escape it by trying hundreds of options—I scream, I hurt myself, I weep–bitterly–till all the tears drain out–I shout,till my jaws ache…till the throbbing in my temples turns out to be unbearable… …

I have become an escapist.

I am happy that no one reads this.
I am happy that I dont need to explain myself to anyone, I dont need to give explanations about any line that I have written here…

This is all my space… Those who know me dont read it. Those who read it dont know me. I am happy that I dont have the responsibility to keep up to peoples expectations on this page.
I am glad that No one ever questions me for dumping all the nonsense here.

I rejoice the boundless freedom that I have her..to pen down whatever I feel like….with out he fear of being wrong. Without the fear of losing people.

I never even dreamt that I was soooo undeserving…never dreamt that I would tend to hide myself for the meanest possible reason on earth!!

Now I have got a million reasons to kill myself…
But still I dont want to.

I dont feel it wise to leave myself to my fate.I had been supporting myself all these years not just for the silly reason of being worthy. I cant leave myself in this situation.

I know no one can ever come to my rescue.
I have to save myself.
I have to correct myself.
I have to improve myself.
I have to prove myself.

I cant leave myself alone in this condition.
i know I am self sufficient. I have just forgot that I ought to be self reliant.

I will take care of myself.

i will improve.

This is a promise to myself.

In fact I had made this promise a long time ago…This is just an episode of emotional instability….

Huh!

I wonder whatelse is left for me to witness!!!