Revelation

Naku navvostondi.

Gone through my mail again.
I find myself silly!!

A stupid brainless girl trying a lot to keep in pace with her man!
A silly idiot agreeing to everything he says…with absolutely no thought regarding…and channelizes all her thoughts and actions onto executing it—-A FLAWLESS OBEYER AND A LOYAL EXECUTER, HUH!!
And I was cursing myself for not being able to do what he says!
I was feeling bad for my inability to do what he says!
I hated my character for not permitting me to do what he says!
His wish was an ORDER, or perhaps all those were commands indeed, which I were ready to execute.
“He wanted me to be open to you, but I couldn’t be”!!
“Had I been frank, nothing like this would have happened” My goodness!!
“Annitiki karanam nuvvu kadu, nenu…avunu swayana nene…Nenu neeto frank ga undunte idanta jarigedi kadu…Asalu nenu evaridaggara ala undalenu. NEE daggara ela undagalanu cheppu?”
Aha!! What an intention!
What an explanation!
“I cant be frank with anybody…kakapote teda okkate…’naa’ anukune valla daggara, I don’t feel the need to be frank. In fact I don’t mind giving all my precious possessions for their sake…and migitavalla daggara I don’t care to be frank.”
“Its all my fault dear. You haven,t done anything”

My god!!
I am still alive!
Alive after reading all this!!

Chadavagane naa kadupu nindipoindi.
Tanu courtesy anna oka padam vadindani nenu inta badha paddane, tana gurinchi naa opinion idani telisi tanu ela tattukogaligindo…Inta jarigaka kuda nato ela matladagaligindo!

Naku naa meeda doubt vastondi ippudu.
I must question myself…’Did you really feel that all the problems would be solved If she goes away from your life??’
I did feel, I must say.
Chalu. Ee mata chalu. Tana badha ku, kopaniki ,tana descision ku intakanna justifying reason akkaraledu.
Tanato aa taruvata matladinadi kuda it was nothing about what I have done. I never got a thought about it. I never cared to think about it. I never tried to think about what I have done—NO—I gave a thought…not once, but hundreds of times, Still I didn’t understand anything. How would I understand? I had stopped judging my deeds. I only knew forcing my conscience to keep quiet and simply allow me to do what I was expected to do. My nature was a hurdle to execution, so I hated it. If I could go to that extent of hating myself for not doing something which I would never want to do, then what’s there to be surprised to find myself blaming her to be problem!!

I wonder!

I pity myself!!