Revelation

I dont like this

I am not serious
If I dont be serious and take charge of my life, I may find myself nowhere

I cant stand it
I HATE IT

Seems I am laying more emphasis on useless crap rather than on my work…

Its time I set out.. .. ..
12:25

I have a question.
Why do I come back to my blog, again and again, to write about her?

Why do I have a million answers to all questions about myself?
How am I to choose the right one among those?

Why am I so wierd?
Why is it tht I am not yet flat, motionless corpse?
Orelse, why dont I find myself burnt into ashes?

Hey, I dont want to die.
I DONT WANT TO DIE.

And for me this stupid worthless life is no better than death!

Ah yes! She knows it. Thats why she warned me.
Thats what she reminded me of.

Its because of her that I dared to dream of…After all looooooong months of gloomy passive dwelling….

I am fine now…

Atleast not miserable, as I used to be.

I want to tell this to her. I am desperate to thank her.
I want to say that I would be grateful to her…till my last breath

I want to say a heartfelt sorry–for my misbehaviour …

I want to say, Aparna…I was wrong..
I was wrong in not trying to judge my decision an year ago. It was a blunt approval, I must agree. Its a fact that I tried to conceal from myself..by giving myself meaningless reasons.

I was wrong in ignoring my brain’s disapproval of fact that it was a ‘blunt decision’.

I was wrong in convincing myself that I have got no regrets, though I was not sure if I really got any..

I was wrong in not being clear to myself about the reasons for my everydeed- I didnt know why I was with him(except a strong commitment to my ‘yes’)
I didnt know why I was feeling miserable always. I didnt know what I really wanted from him. I didnt know what I really expectd from myself. I didnt know what I accepted from what you said, and what I rejected. Its obvious that I didnt know how I’d have to react to what you say. I didnt know what I was doing….

I remember, quite well…that all my responses were, instinctive…I dont know if I am correct to use this word…I mean my responses were instantaneous reaction to spells of emotions. I dont know how to explain. I mean I sit down to read or do something else, within seconds I get lost in my tent, when lots of emotions surround me, lots of feelings encompass me…I feel bad, I feel dull, I feel stupid, I feel like taking an immediate decision to put an end to everything.

All mails were such respnses.

I dont know if am am still wrong in thinking this to be true.

I am sorry dear, for I pained you with my stupidity. I intend no harm to you…
Infact I am grateful for its you, b’coz of whom,i’ve got back all my worthy possessions…all the virtues that constitute myself. Its because of you that I consider myself alive today…Its because of you that I still hae the desire to live. I ts because of you that I still have got the desire to dream and courage to pursue my dreams…

I am stll a mediocre…But I am sure I will rise..B’zoz now I find the zeal to rise…I find belief in self.

I will come badk to you dear…with a mail…when I can show this world what I am capable of. It may be too late…I may even lose your contact….

But that day does exist. Atleast then, I believe, I would be making justice to your concern for me.that day…would prove your attempts to be fruitful.

That day I will come back to you…with a sorry-
though I dont expect to be forgiven after long long hours of disgust and pain…”

I am glad that she doesnt have my url…
I am glad that I am not sending any mails to her..
I am glad that I dont burden her brain with all trash….of feelings and beliefs which I myself dont understand…or probably dont approve.

Funny….Huh!!

Thats me…………………………….

Personified mystery. . .. . .. .. .. . . .. .. . ……………………………….. ……………… ………………… ……………. ;l…………….

My friend..

I am proud to say she was my friend…
I thought I have lost the previlege of calling her a friend…
By mailing a ‘good bye’…
And the reason behind my goodbye…

But when the reply came, I realized that I had lost my place in her heart….forever.

Dont know why this happened…I am not able to understand..’m not able to make head and tail out of it.

Perhaps I am not worthy.
Perhaps I dont deserve consideration…I deserve to be hated for being myself perhaps..
Perhaps my deeds are really mean and ugly…making me undeserving–of all respect.

I dont know. I really dont know.

Or perhaps I know—
I perhaps know…That it is mean to accuse her of ‘making use’ of me.
I perhaps know…That it is ugly to say call her an insensible exploiter in return to her tears for me—all out of care and genuine concern.

I dont know if I had really done all this..
I dont really know if I really meant to do all this…
I dont know if this was a result of misunderstanding…or an incident of revelation of my ‘true’ self which even I am not aware of..

I dont know…
I dont know if I really know..
I dont know how to know about it either…

Its a question mark…Remains so forever..

But I swear..that I will not take any help(material..to the possible extent and emotional ) from anyone—and try to probe inside..explore myself..and find out if I was really mean…

I take an oath that I will not try to have any emotional association with anyone…
I consider myself undeserving of all association with people…Atleast until I get convinced I am not!

20 April’08
11:30AM…Forensic lecture gallery..

Was busy examining a skull–trying to identify the sex–when Tarun hurried to me. I looked at him..He was saying something to me.. but I wasn’t ready to believe it…I didn’t really know what was happening to me. The news was—

‘Sruthi hanged herself…she is no more’

                                        … … … … …

Our theory exams had just come to an end. After a gap of 2 to 3 days, we started preparing for practicals.
Suddenly…
She left. And No.20 remains vacant, for ever.

I dont know much about Sruthi. Oh yes, I do remember those four hours with her in Manali(september last year when we were to attend PULSE at AIIMS). That day, we set out in search of an ATM..and ended up roaming in the shopping mall for about 4 hours, chatting all the time.

Have to admit that she is not a coward. Had she been a coward, she couldn’t have taken such a descision.
But,
why didn’t her courage make her fight her problem?
Why did it make her kill herself instead?
I dont understand.

Cant believe that she is no more. Dont even want to believe.
Yes
She is alive,afresh in our memories.